William The Coroner’s Forensic Files

Wednesday, 14, September, 2011

O Kaaaaay…

Filed under: Japery — williamthecoroner @ 12:12

I want an inflatable hover fort.

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Wednesday, 27, July, 2011

He Got Better…Again

Filed under: Forensics,Japery — williamthecoroner @ 15:03

A man was declared dead, was taken to a private morgue, and woke up screaming. Morgue personnel were afraid to let him out, because they thought he was a ghost. The story is HERE.

Yanno, the jokes just write themselves. Personally, I’m worried about a private morgue. I mean, I’m libertarian and all, but that’s a bit much. I’m also glad that the coolers I work around have sliding drawers that LOCK.

Sunday, 24, July, 2011

He Got Better

Filed under: Forensics,Japery — williamthecoroner @ 10:55

A review of the Boston Medical Examiner’s Office. Read the review HERE. Nice that he liked the accommodations, most folks don’t.

Hat tip, _heather.

Thursday, 21, July, 2011

10 Reasons Why the Guy in the Windowless Van is Less Creepy than the TSA

Filed under: Japery — williamthecoroner @ 13:06

From Robb Allen, here.

Friday, 13, May, 2011

Alignments

Filed under: Japery — williamthecoroner @ 22:58

From Robbubba.

Wednesday, 4, May, 2011

Harry Potter Needs a 1911

Filed under: Boomstick,Japery — williamthecoroner @ 08:44

Here’s why:

Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good ol’ American hot lead.

Basilisk? Let’s see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren’t looking at it—you’re looking at a picture of it.

Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12.

And have you noticed that only Europe seems to have a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it’s because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their stakes with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal.

Now I know what you’re going to say: “But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!” Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger?

Avada Kedavera, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.

Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don’t think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldmort’s wand may be 13.5 inches with a phoenix-feather core, but Harry’s would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let’s see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound.

I can see it now…Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can’t be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series:

“Well then I guess it’s a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1.”

And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

Thanks, Artie.

Friday, 1, April, 2011

Sappy Dog Blogging

Filed under: Cat Blogging,Japery — williamthecoroner @ 12:49

It’s Friday, so it’s time, once again, for SAPPY DOG BLOGGING! You all know what a big dog guy I am. Here’s Libchien.

Saturday, 26, March, 2011

World’s Oldest Joke 1900 BC

Filed under: History,Japery — williamthecoroner @ 15:42

It’s a Sumerian fart joke. Oh, those whacky Sumerians. What can I tell you. You can read it, and a dirty Anglo-Saxon joke, HERE.

Thursday, 24, March, 2011

The Elephant Story–Part 2

Filed under: Japery,Teaching — williamthecoroner @ 10:33

So during a lab meeting one of my students was talking, and the student’s brother is heading towards marriage to an East Indian woman. Though both of them live and work in the United States, any wedding would be held in India. The student’s family was told the groom would be expected to show up at the ceremony riding an elephant. It would be symbolic of, well, something. So, while the planning is going on, the big question is, well, where do you get an elephant for this procedure? Are there elephant rental agencies? Do they have an online presence? Do you just call up an Elephant Rental Agency? Honest Vijay’s Used Elephants? The family was trying to do research on this matter, starting with the internet, and going from there.

I mentioned this later to a couple of friends standing around the coffee machine, one of whom was also east Indian. As I was talking, he’s looking at me as if I’m growing a second head. Then he starts laughing. He was laughing so hard that I was worried he was going to pass out.

As it turns out, this was a different Indian tradition, not a wedding tradition, but one called “Playing a practical joke on the clueless Americans”. Evidently, if an Indian wedding is sufficiently pretentious, the groom comes in riding a horse for a short distance. But those are really fancy dos, and most folks don’t do that. Polo is big in India, again for folks that can afford to keep a horse.

I didn’t find out where you get the horse, but they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it.

Thursday, 10, March, 2011

This Is Disgusting, and Will Make Me Giggle for a Week

Filed under: Japery — williamthecoroner @ 12:59

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