William The Coroner’s Forensic Files

Wednesday, 4, May, 2011

Harry Potter Needs a 1911

Filed under: Boomstick,Japery — williamthecoroner @ 08:44

Here’s why:

Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good ol’ American hot lead.

Basilisk? Let’s see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren’t looking at it—you’re looking at a picture of it.

Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12.

And have you noticed that only Europe seems to have a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it’s because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their stakes with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal.

Now I know what you’re going to say: “But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!” Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger?

Avada Kedavera, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.

Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don’t think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldmort’s wand may be 13.5 inches with a phoenix-feather core, but Harry’s would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let’s see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound.

I can see it now…Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can’t be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series:

“Well then I guess it’s a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1.”

And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

Thanks, Artie.

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13 Comments »

  1. [...] Heh. I LOL'ed. Posted by Ambulance Driver on May 4, 2011 • Filed under: 2nd Amendment blog comments powered by Disqus /* [...]

    Pingback by Why Harry Potter Needs a 1911 | A Day In The Life Of An Ambulance Driver — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 09:03 | Reply

  2. Well said, sir!

    As my generation would have expressed it, “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.” Knowing what I do about the transmission of both radiant and kinetic energy, I’ll take that Colt over a plasma weapon any time.

    Comment by Dave H — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 09:20 | Reply

  3. Awesome, pure awesome!

    Comment by MadRocketScientist — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 09:33 | Reply

  4. Bravo!

    Comment by theUnpaidBill — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 09:40 | Reply

  5. Issues like these are addressed in Eliezer Yudkowsky’s astonishing fan-fic, Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.

    In this context, Chapter 58, climax of “The Stanford Prison Experiment” arc, which details Potter’s escape from the Prison of Azkaban, and subsequent chapters, discussing the ethics of Azkaban, are especially significant.

    New chapters appear irregularly, but about once every 4-6 weeks.

    Review by Eric S. Raymond.

    Warning: Rowling’s work is profoundly unsatisfying after reading this. Yudkowsky beats her into the ground.

    Comment by DJMoore — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 09:57 | Reply

  6. That is great! I can picture the remake now, Harry hates magic because of Voldemort so goes high tech!

    Comment by JD — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 10:08 | Reply

  7. So, Harry under the clak of invisibility with a 50BMG, that would be the deathly hollows points?

    Comment by TXGunGeek — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 10:59 | Reply

  8. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their stakes with spoons.

    “steaks”?

    Avada Kedavera, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.

    I laughed. :)

    Comment by perlhaqr — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 14:33 | Reply

  9. Avada Kedavera, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.

    A female AK? Is it a KalashniKitty?

    http://smallestminority.blogspot.com/2010/01/kalashnikitty.html

    Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound.

    I have only read about Barrett injuries, but I get the impression that these are a myth. All Barrett hits seem as if they are fatal. Since it would be silly to argue with a coroner about these things, I am asking, Do I misunderstand the consequences of a hit with a Barrett?

    The only triage tags needed are green or black. Neither needs treatment. No treatment would be effective for either outcome, except for a whole lot of Ativan for anyone surviving being shot at with a Barrett.

    My impression is that anything more than being grazed would be fatal.

    Therefore there would be no sucking chest wound.

    There would be no sucking.

    There would be no wound.

    And there would be very little chest.

    The Barrett seems to be the closest thing to providing a toggle effect. The recipient was missed or the recipient was hit. Alive or dead. Even the fate of Schrodinger’s cat would not be in question, since even the box would have been obliterated. :-)

    Comment by Rogue Medic — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 14:48 | Reply

    • Rogue, I think you’re overthinking this whole fluff piece…

      Comment by williamthecoroner — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 16:45

    • This comment is so full of Win that it’s in danger of collapsing into a Black Hole of Win.

      Comment by Borepatch — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 19:17

  10. Me?

    Get carried away with something?

    Never!

    Comment by Rogue Medic — Wednesday, 4, May, 2011 @ 17:48 | Reply

  11. [...] here for the rest of the laughs. William the Coroner just became one of my new [...]

    Pingback by LOL of the Day | Welcome to GayConservative.org — Friday, 13, May, 2011 @ 20:13 | Reply

  12. I’m the one who wrote this! I wrote it as a Facebook note last year, and then posted it on Reddit a few months ago and it just took off. I’m glad you guys liked it!

    Also, in regards to the ‘stake’ typo: strangely, that was NOT in the original (I just went and checked the original Facebook note). My guess is that some misguided soul changed it, thinking that they were *fixing* a typo, lol.

    Anyway, glad every body liked it!

    –Whind Soull

    Comment by Whind Soull — Wednesday, 13, July, 2011 @ 20:23 | Reply


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